{"id":65395,"date":"2026-05-15T13:12:13","date_gmt":"2026-05-15T19:12:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/?p=65395"},"modified":"2026-05-22T09:17:57","modified_gmt":"2026-05-22T15:17:57","slug":"40-years-to-say-it-out-loud","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/40-years-to-say-it-out-loud\/","title":{"rendered":"40 Years to Say it Out Loud"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/picture> Download Print-Friendly Version<\/a><\/p>\n

It took over 40 years to put into words what happened to me as a child. Each time I tried, I would somehow find ways to avoid talking about the abuse openly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

After grappling with the dark shadows of trauma for over 60 years, the heart-level healing I am now experiencing\u2014after so long\u2014has surprised me.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a little child in the early \u201860s, I often heard the words: \u201cIf you don\u2019t stop crying, I\u2019ll give you something to cry about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

My dad, raised during World War II by a Marine drill sergeant father, viewed emotional outbursts, especially crying, as weakness\u2014much like<\/span> others of his generation<\/span><\/a>. Even in my mid-20s, I remember Mom asking me not to tell her anything \u201cupsetting\u201d because she didn\u2019t want to cry. \u201cCrying doesn\u2019t help anything,\u201d she said.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I had plenty to cry about.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I had been the victim of ongoing <\/span>abuse<\/span><\/a> since the tender age of three through my midteens at the hands of multiple perpetrators. I also had plenty to say, but couldn\u2019t say it, because \u201cno one likes a tattletale.\u201d Contributing to this barrier of silence were words from war-era<\/span> Bambi<\/span><\/a>: \u201cIf you can\u2019t say something nice, don\u2019t say nothing at all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Those phrases may seem small. But for a child living with abuse, I applied those sayings to the situation I was in, and those standards became a kind of prison for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s one reason why so many victims wait years, or even decades, to speak out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mistaking Silence for Safety<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Standing in front of a small U-Haul in December 1968, I pointed down the street and, with as much feeling as I could muster, exclaimed, \u201cI don\u2019t like that boy. He\u2019s mean!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Mom snapped: \u201cDiana! We don\u2019t say naughty things about people we don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t ever want to hear you say anything naughty about that boy again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And I didn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

As soon as I came close to mentioning that I had been sexually abused, I would stop going to therapy.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/div>Months prior, that boy had warned, \u201cDon\u2019t you tell. \u2026 If you do, you know you\u2019ll be punished\u2014like before.\u201d I believed him.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s only because we were moving that I had the courage to point him out that day. But after Mom\u2019s scolding, I didn\u2019t dare say another word about him (or other abusers) for nearly 20 years.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not alone with delayed disclosure. It is, tragically, common in cases of child sexual abuse. Many victims wait years or decades to tell anyone. Some research puts the average age of first disclosure or reporting at <\/span>52<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

One<\/span> 2010 research report<\/span><\/a> summarizes: \u201cOn average it takes <\/span>17 years before victims<\/span><\/a> disclose their abuse.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Why do victims wait so long to speak out? What makes speaking out feel so impossible? Fear, shame, confusion, culture, threats, and the absence of empathy can all work together to keep a child silent.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until recently that I could see how being scared to \u201ctell\u201d set me up for years of continuing abuse and ensuing mental health issues.<\/span><\/p>\n

Saying It Out Loud<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Even today, I wonder: Why didn\u2019t someone stop the abuse when I was little? Why didn\u2019t anyone see that I was suffering and try to help?<\/span><\/p>\n

Those questions troubled me until words I overheard as a child came to mind while writing a few months ago:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShould we talk to her about it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, she\u2019s too little. She won\u2019t remember.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Although it took me 20 years to speak up, I remembered.<\/span><\/p>\n

I had just<\/span> tried a third antidepressant<\/span><\/a>, and I still wasn\u2019t doing well. My doctor said, \u201cI think what\u2019s going on is more in here,\u201d pointing to my head, \u201cthan anything else. A good therapist will help you more than I can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Even then, it took 18 anxiety-filled months before I mustered the courage to finally \u201ctell\u201d\u2014to say out loud the words: \u201cI was sexually abused as a child.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Trauma researcher Peter A. Levine has written, \u201cTrauma is not what happens to us, but <\/span>what we hold inside<\/span><\/a> in the absence of an empathetic witness.\u201d He also explains that avoidance is sometimes \u201cthe nervous system\u2019s attempt to cope with overwhelming activation.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Looking back, I can see that as soon as I came close to mentioning that I had been sexually abused, I would stop going to therapy. That is, until the next triggered depression. Without realizing it, I was actually avoiding the emotional turmoil of talking about what happened to me.<\/span><\/p>\n

What felt for a season as a weakness was, in part, woundedness and fear. That distinction matters for survivors, but also for families, friends, and faith communities. If we misunderstand the factors that keep survivors silent, we may unintentionally deepen another person\u2019s isolation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Deeper healing needed<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Because that on-again, off-again cycle continued for over thirty-five years, progress seemed so slow that I often wondered what was wrong with me.<\/span> Why couldn\u2019t I experience<\/span><\/a> more than fleeting relief from depression?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cInnocence offended, peace and comfort hid; Swallowed cups of bitterness, came to live,\u201d I once wrote in a poem trying to make sense of it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

Survivors are not machines to be reset. They are wounded souls and bodies.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/div>But my inability to move forward wasn\u2019t a character flaw, as I once believed. As Eleanor Longden once said in a<\/span> 2013 TED talk<\/span><\/a>, the important question \u201cshouldn\u2019t be what\u2019s wrong with you but rather <\/span>what\u2019s happened to you<\/span><\/a>.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Trauma<\/span><\/a> does not stay neatly in memory. As <\/span>Bessel van der Kolk<\/span><\/a> has observed, \u201cThe effects of trauma are <\/span>stored in the body<\/span><\/a>. Until they are addressed there, words alone are not enough.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That insight helped me understand why my healing required more than brief conversations or temporary relief. It also helped me see why healing can take longer than outsiders expect. Survivors are not machines to be reset. They are wounded souls and bodies learning and healing.<\/span><\/p>\n

My emotionally raw poetry continued to help me heal:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYears of vinegar passed; no one knew but me. Sorrow\u2019s Jailor, ne\u2019er a wounded heart frees.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When I first began writing, I didn\u2019t know I had entered a pathway out of trauma. Even so, words still mattered a great deal to me\u2014words expressed to others, and to God, too.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t often pray aloud, but my wounded heart continually pleaded for help\u2014yearning for deeper, more lasting healing. It wasn\u2019t until recent years, while pondering and writing about my experiences, that I began to clearly see God\u2019s hand in my life.<\/span><\/p>\n

All along, silent prayers were being answered.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As<\/span> President Thomas S. Monson<\/span><\/a>, former President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once taught, \u201cI promise you that you will one day stand aside and look at your difficult times, and you will realize that <\/span>He was always there<\/span><\/a> beside you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

More Than My Story<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Learning to trust in the Lord with all my heart has not been easy for me. But as I choose to trust Him\u2014and his timing\u2014I have, indeed, experienced deeper, more lasting healing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My story is personal, but the struggle that victims of childhood sexual abuse experience is not. Many who suffer do not disclose quickly. Many who try to speak do so indirectly. Many are met with misunderstanding.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This issue asks something of all of us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It took over 40 years to put into words what happened to me as a child.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wish it had not taken so long.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I am grateful that, by God\u2019s grace, it was not too late.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Delayed disclosure is common after childhood sexual abuse because fear, shame, threats, and confusion can become a prison.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":189,"featured_media":65398,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[484],"tags":[265,21,178,131,53,12,968,373,130,116,182,1238,967,355,13],"coauthors":[966],"class_list":["post-65395","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-abuse","tag-anxiety","tag-children","tag-compassion","tag-counseling","tag-depression","tag-empathy","tag-healing","tag-hope","tag-mental-health","tag-prayer","tag-psychology","tag-sexual-assault","tag-trauma","tag-trust","tag-victims"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nChildhood Sexual Abuse, Silence, and Healing - Public Square Magazine<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Childhood sexual abuse can silence survivors for decades, yet empathy, trusted words, patient healing, and God\u2019s grace can slowly loosen its hold.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/40-years-to-say-it-out-loud\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Childhood Sexual Abuse, Silence, and Healing - Public Square Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Childhood sexual abuse can silence survivors for decades, yet empathy, trusted words, patient healing, and God\u2019s grace can slowly loosen its hold.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/40-years-to-say-it-out-loud\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Public Square Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-05-15T19:12:13+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-05-22T15:17:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/40-years.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1536\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"768\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Diana L. 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