{"id":54434,"date":"2025-10-20T08:58:32","date_gmt":"2025-10-20T14:58:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/?p=54434"},"modified":"2025-10-20T08:58:32","modified_gmt":"2025-10-20T14:58:32","slug":"best-conflict-management-styles-peace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/dialogue\/persuasion\/best-conflict-management-styles-peace\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Winning Doesn\u2019t Make You Right: Five Conflict Styles"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Best-Conflict-Management-Styles-for-Peace.pdf\" download=\"\"><picture><source srcset=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/webp-express\/webp-images\/uploads\/2025\/03\/pdf-download-1.png.webp\" type=\"image\/webp\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"margin-right: 2px; padding-right: 0; float: left;\" src=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/03\/pdf-download-1.png\" class=\"webpexpress-processed\"><\/picture> Download Print-Friendly Version&lt;\/a<\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Most people instinctively lean on one or two ways of handling conflict: a favorite approach and a fallback when the first doesn\u2019t work. Yet there are five conflict management styles, and all five are necessary in fostering healthy relationships. The challenge is learning to use the right style at the right time. Which styles do you default to? And which should you start implementing?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This article is part of a series pairing <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLzb39EjcScf0GPXG9FqNfGNW42c_ppNil\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">short, humorous videos<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> created by <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/thefamilyproclamation.org\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">TheFamilyProclamation.Org<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> with <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/author\/skyline\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">articles published<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by Public Square offering deeper explorations of the theory and doctrine of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/general-conference\/2023\/04\/47nelson?lang=eng\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Peacemaking<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Each installment pairs academic theory with Christian teachings for resolving everyday disagreements.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Today\u2019s <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=Gi9J02p0kmM&amp;list=PLzb39EjcScf0GPXG9FqNfGNW42c_ppNil&amp;index=4\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">video<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> shows examples of using all five conflict management styles when there are two people, but only one slice of pizza left.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Video 4: Conflict Styles ?\u2696\ufe0f\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/Gi9J02p0kmM?feature=oembed&#038;rel=0\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The five styles introduced here are based on the<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/kilmanndiagnostics.com\/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki\/\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thomas\u2013Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: Oblige, Promote, Collaborate, Compromise, and Avoid. It\u2019s helpful to consider the five styles based on people\u2019s needs: your needs and the needs of others. And, the amount of time and effort each style takes. The consequence of unmet needs either in oneself or others is the strong negative emotion of resentment. No one style is inherently right or wrong. The key lies in discerning which approach fits the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><picture><source srcset=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/webp-express\/webp-images\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-300x289.jpg.webp 300w, https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/webp-express\/webp-images\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-150x145.jpg.webp 150w, https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/webp-express\/webp-images\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-610x588.jpg.webp 610w, https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/webp-express\/webp-images\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901.jpg.webp 730w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 399px) 100vw, 399px\" type=\"image\/webp\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-54436 webpexpress-processed\" src=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-300x289.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"399\" height=\"384\" srcset=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-300x289.jpg 300w, https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-150x145.jpg 150w, https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901-610x588.jpg 610w, https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-13-092901.jpg 730w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 399px) 100vw, 399px\"><\/picture><\/p>\n<h3><b>Oblige<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Obliging means <\/span><b>yielding to another\u2019s needs<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. When the issue matters more to them than to oneself, in conflict theory, it reflects a low concern for personal needs and a high concern for others\u2019 needs. This style can de-escalate tensions, promote gratitude, and acknowledge the importance of another\u2019s perspective. However, overuse may neglect essential personal needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A scriptural example comes from Abraham and Lot in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/ot\/gen\/13?lang=eng&amp;id=p5-p12#p5\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Genesis 13<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. When their herdsmen quarreled over land, Abraham obliged: <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee \u2026 for we be brethren \u2026 If thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Lot chose the fertile Jordan Valley, while Abraham accepted the less desirable land. Abraham\u2019s willingness to accommodate preserved peace between their households.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the 1840s, a devastating blight destroyed Ireland&#8217;s potato crops, leading to mass starvation and disease. The U.S. government took direct action. President James K. Polk ordered the naval vessel USS Jamestown to be filled with provisions and sent to Ireland in 1847. This was followed by widespread public fundraising and additional aid from the government. The U.S. decision was driven by empathy for the suffering Irish population, many of whom had emigrated to America. The action was taken with no expectation of political or financial compensation. While it did strengthen the relationship, the United States&#8217; response to the Irish Potato Famine was an obliging act motivated by a sense of goodwill and compassion.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><b>Pros:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Defuses tension quickly; communicates care for the other\u2019s perspective; allows movement forward when personal cost is minor.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Cons:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Can create resentment if personal needs are repeatedly ignored; risks imbalance in relationships; may enable others\u2019 selfishness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iconic statement: \u201cThis matters more to you than to me\u2014take it.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><b>Promote<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Promoting involves <\/span><b>asserting one\u2019s own needs<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. When the issue is of high importance personally but less critical for others, in conflict theory, this reflects a high concern for personal self-needs and a lower concern for others&#8217;. Used wisely, it preserves integrity, sets boundaries, respect, and prevents neglect of essential personal responsibilities.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Scripture records Esther as a profound example. When the Jews of Persia faced extermination, Esther risked her life by approaching King Ahasuerus unbidden. \u201cIf I perish, I perish\u201d (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/ot\/est\/4.16?lang=eng\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Esther 4:16<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">). Her boldness in promoting her people\u2019s survival turned the tide of history.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In modern history,<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nps.gov\/wori\/learn\/historyculture\/susan-b-anthony.htm\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Susan B. Anthony<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> exemplified this style through tireless advocacy for women\u2019s suffrage. Willing to endure arrest and ridicule, she insisted, \u201cMen, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.\u201d By promoting her cause with unrelenting persistence, she advanced the rights of countless women.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><b>Pros:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Safeguards essential personal needs; establishes clear boundaries; brings neglected issues to light.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Cons:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Can appear and even become domineering; risks escalating conflict; may undermine relationships if used unnecessarily.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iconic statement: \u201cThis matters deeply to me\u2014I must stand for it.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><b>Collaborating<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Collaborating seeks <\/span><b>solutions that fully meet the needs of all parties<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. In theory, it reflects a high concern for both self and others. It is the most time-intensive and demanding style, but also the one most likely to generate durable, creative, and mutually satisfying resolutions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A scriptural example appears in the Council of Jerusalem (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/nt\/acts\/15.1-29?lang=eng\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Acts 15<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">), where early Christians debated whether Gentile converts must keep the law of Moses. Through deliberation and testimony, leaders forged a collaborative solution: Gentiles would not be required to keep the full law but were asked to respect certain practices for the sake of unity. This preserved inclusion without dissolving moral standards.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In history,<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nelsonmandela.org\/content\/page\/biography\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Nelson Mandela<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> exemplified collaboration during South Africa\u2019s transition away from apartheid. Instead of seeking revenge, his inclusive multiracial leadership in the African National Congress, personal mentorship of Springbok rugby captain Francois Pienaar, and his willingness to work with political rivals Mandela established a democratic framework, preventing civil war and opening a path toward reconciliation.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><b>Pros:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Builds trust; generates creative solutions; addresses the deepest needs of all parties.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Cons:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Requires significant time and energy; can stall if parties are unwilling; may be impractical in urgent conflicts.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iconic statement: \u201cLet\u2019s stay at the table until we find a solution that works for all of us.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><b>Compromising<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Compromising involves<\/span><b> each party yielding part of their needs to reach a middle ground<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. In theory, it balances moderate concern for self and others. It does not produce perfect satisfaction but provides workable solutions when time is short or stakes are moderate.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A scriptural example appears in the division of land among Israel\u2019s tribes. The tribe of Reuben and Gad requested land east of the Jordan, which initially angered Moses. A compromise was reached: they could settle eastward provided their soldiers helped the other tribes secure their inheritance west of the Jordan (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/ot\/num\/32?lang=eng\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Numbers 32<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">).<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In history, the<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.history.com\/topics\/19th-century\/missouri-compromise\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Missouri Compromise of 1820<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> illustrates this principle. Balancing free and slave states preserved the fragile union for a time, though deeper moral questions remained unresolved.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><b>Pros:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Creates quick, workable solutions; is often perceived as \u201cfair\u201d; avoids stalemates; spreads sacrifice across parties.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Cons:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Often leaves no one fully satisfied; can defer deeper issues; risks fostering half-measures instead of real resolution.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iconic statement: \u201cI\u2019ll give some, you give some, and we\u2019ll both move forward.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><b>Avoiding<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoiding means <\/span><b>stepping away from conflict altogether, either by deferring, delaying, or disengaging.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> In theory, it reflects low concern for the needs of both self and others in the conflict. Avoidance may preserve peace when the issue is trivial, the relationship is distant or unimportant, or when emotions are too high for productive discussion. But, avoidance risks creating resentment if used habitually in close or necessary relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Scripture shows Jesus withdrawing after intense disputes with religious leaders: \u201cAnd Jesus went about Galilee: for he would not walk in Jewry, because the Jews sought to kill him\u201d (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/nt\/john\/7.1?lang=eng\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John 7:1<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">). His withdrawal shows discernment for choosing the right moment to disengage. But on another occasion, when confronted by opponents trying to trap him with a question about paying taxes to Caesar, Jesus asked to see a coin and noted that it bore Caesar&#8217;s image. He then <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/nt\/luke\/20?lang=eng&amp;id=p25#p25\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">responded<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, &#8220;Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar\u2019s, and unto God the things which be God\u2019s.&#8221; Though He engaged with those promoting a conflict, this encounter is still an example of conflict avoidance because Jesus shifted the conversation to a moral lesson rather than engaging in the political debate his opponents intended.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As president, George Washington witnessed the growing animosity between factions, which he feared would destroy the republic from within. Instead of staying in office to fight the factions, Washington retired, setting a critical precedent for a peaceful transfer of power. By doing so, he removed his unifying but also polarizing presence, forcing the political system to mature on its own. His farewell address served as a final, non-partisan warning. George Washington&#8217;s retirement is an example of avoidance, as he intentionally disengaged from political power to prevent the young nation from being torn apart by deepening partisan conflict. By contrast,<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.britannica.com\/biography\/Mahatma-Gandhi\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mahatma Gandhi<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> continually engaged in politics utilizing strategic avoidance through nonviolent resistance. By refusing to meet violence with violence, he avoided direct clashes while still advancing his cause, exhausting the will of his opponents without reciprocating hostility.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><b>Pros:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Allows time for cooling off; prevents escalation over trivial matters; creates space for reflection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Cons:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Can leave problems unresolved; risks long-term resentment; may erode trust if avoidance becomes habitual.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Iconic statement: \u201cThis conflict doesn\u2019t need to be fought right now.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h3><b>\u201cO Be Wise\u201d<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We may be particularly gifted or prone to using one or two of the styles, but no single style is sufficient for every situation. Scripture and history affirm that wisdom lies not in clinging to one or two styles but in discerning which approach serves the moment best. Some say knowledge comes from facts, but wisdom comes from experience. Learn from the experience of others and, in counsel with God, discern which style to resolve every conflict in life. Conflict is inevitable, but considering the full range of conflict styles transforms disagreements into robust opportunities for growth, justice, and deeper connection: don\u2019t just default to one or two styles. So even though we may be \u201cas sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves\u201d (<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/scriptures\/nt\/matt\/10?lang=eng&amp;id=p16#p16\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Matthew 10<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">).<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Which conflict style fits each dispute? All five are needed; choose wisely to prevent resentment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":319,"featured_media":54435,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[499],"tags":[633,265,1385,165,12,187,521,176,1058,194,974,554,766,59,90],"coauthors":[1912],"class_list":["post-54434","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-persuasion","tag-america","tag-anxiety","tag-belonging","tag-ecumenicalism","tag-empathy","tag-friendship","tag-integrity","tag-interfaith-relations","tag-leadership","tag-peace","tag-scriptures","tag-service","tag-society","tag-unity","tag-wisdom"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Best Conflict Management Styles for Peace<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Conflict management styles reveal five distinct ways to resolve disputes, each with unique strengths and risks, requiring wisdom to use effectively.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/dialogue\/persuasion\/best-conflict-management-styles-peace\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Five Conflict Styles That Build Lasting Peace\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Conflict isn\u2019t won by clinging to one approach. 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