{"id":38592,"date":"2024-09-09T07:33:11","date_gmt":"2024-09-09T13:33:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/?p=38592"},"modified":"2024-09-18T12:18:05","modified_gmt":"2024-09-18T18:18:05","slug":"bishops-ally-christian-youth-ministry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/faith\/gospel-fare\/bishops-ally-christian-youth-ministry\/","title":{"rendered":"A Sacred Triangle: Uniting Bishops, Parents, and Youth"},"content":{"rendered":"

Some parents are kept from such enhanced ministry only for the lack of mentoring and support. Beyond establishing and sustaining open lines of communication, bishop\u2013youth\u2013parents relationships also provide an opportunity for collaboration and for youth\u2013parents mentoring and mediation that directly supports covenant family relationships and helps establish them in loving Christlike ministry. Relationship therapists are widely familiar with relationship triangles and use their understanding to help them engage with and successfully mediate couple and family relationships. In the stories below, we conceptualize the bishop\u2013youth\u2013parent relationship as a relationship <\/span>triangle<\/span><\/a> to be <\/span>carefully<\/span><\/a> navigated<\/span><\/a>. In the graphics, a straight green line indicates confidence and positivity in a relationship, while a squiggly red line indicates strain or uncertainty in a relationship (sometimes there is simply a relationship to be established, sometimes there is a rift or rupture to be repaired).<\/span><\/p>\n

A Little Bit on Being an Intermediary in Relationships<\/b><\/h3>\n

Ideally and ultimately, we envision a bishop, parents, and youth united, each engaging with the others as intermediaries\u2014youth encouraging their parents, parents encouraging their youth, and the bishop building relationships of trust with youth and with parents and encouraging and strengthening youth\u2013parents relationships. Our focus here is on the bishop as an intermediary. Understanding relationship triangles, mediation theory teaches the importance of three relational\u2013spiritual virtues that define, illuminate, and guide patterns of engagement and mediation. Those three characteristics of engagement and mediation (in complex relationship triangles) are <\/span>relationship<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>neutrality<\/span><\/i>, and <\/span>responsibility<\/span><\/i>. These are <\/span>described<\/span><\/a> in <\/span>detail<\/span><\/a> in <\/span>clinical<\/span><\/a> scholarship<\/span><\/a>.

We envision a bishop, parents, and youth united, each engaging with the others.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/div><\/span>Positive collaboration can result as the bishop (a) affirms his individual care for and commitment to his relationship with the youth and with the parents, as well as his commitment to the youth\u2013parents relationships<\/a> with each other (relationship<\/i>), (b) helps youth and parents unite, avoiding \u201ctaking sides\u201d but is instead an advocate for all and for their relationships (neutrality<\/i>), and (c) promotes youth and parents assuming responsibility for their sacred covenant relationship and individual repentance, change<\/a>, and growth<\/a> (responsibility<\/i>).<\/p>\n

Finn\u2019s Experience: Parents\u2013Youth Strengthening the Youth\u2013Bishop Relationship<\/b><\/h3>\n

Finn is about to turn 18 and wants to serve a mission. As depicted below, Finn is very close with his parents but anxious and ambivalent about his relationship with his bishop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Several months ago, Finn shared with his parents that he is struggling with viewing pornography. Finn and his parents developed some practical strategies and spiritual protections to help him. Finn no longer sleeps with his phone in his room, and he only uses the internet in safe family spaces. Finn is continuing to pray, read scripture, serve others, and work at school, home, and his part-time business. Finn is actively striving for change behaviorally and spiritually, and his parents are fully present and available to him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/picture>Finn knows that as his high school graduation and eligibility for missionary service draw closer, he is going to need to begin meeting and talking with his bishop. Finn is extremely anxious and avoidant about this. Trying to avoid his struggles coming to anyone\u2019s attention at church, Finn has started waiting in the car until after the sacrament is passed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finn\u2019s parents express their confidence in the bishop and encourage Finn not to be fearful about moving forward with his repentance ecclesiastically. They have shared with Finn that meeting with his bishop can unlock keys for repentance. Finn agrees to meet with the bishop as long as his father comes with him. Finn\u2019s dad steps into the bishop\u2019s office for a moment immediately after church and expresses his and his wife\u2019s confidence and support. Finn\u2019s dad reports how important it likely is for the bishop to take some time to build a trusting relationship with Finn before broaching a worthiness interview. Finn\u2019s parents share their desire and hope to work together in a sort of bishop\u2013youth\u2013parent council.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Although Finn\u2019s heart is pounding, Finn is astonished to find that the bishop responds to his admission of his struggle with pornography in a kind and loving way. The bishop listens carefully, commends Finn for reaching out to his parents and his parents for their efforts, and suggests that Finn and his parents continue to work together and that all of them meet together about once a month or so. The bishop describes and delineates his ecclesiastical role and confirms and affirms Finn\u2019s parents in counseling and supporting Finn in his repentance striving.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The bishop encourages Finn to participate fully in church and other strengthening experiences. The bishop shares with Finn and his parents principles that guide his ecclesiastical decisions and invites Finn\u2019s parents to help Finn apply the principles, be accountable to developmentally appropriate expectations, and involve the bishop in all ecclesiastical aspects.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The bishop assures Finn that although pornography use is a significant spiritual\u2013moral concern, it is a common developmental struggle. All agree to focus on virtuous desires, spiritual striving, and patient progress. Finn\u2019s parents are relieved when the bishop suggests that Finn let go of the pressure of mission worthiness and focus on moving forward in life, including with college or vocational education and employment, believing that building a productive, rewarding life will strengthen him. Finn and his parents are invited to study together a book about the developmental challenges of the teen years and how they can respond to them. Walking out of the meeting, Finn is amazed that he held onto so much stress and anxiety when there wasn\u2019t anything to fear after all.<\/span><\/p>\n

Finn\u2019s parents are able to be a helpful go-between, facilitating and supporting Finn\u2019s growing relationship with his bishop. Finn\u2019s parents are intentional in their support of Finn\u2019s relationship with the bishop, especially when a misunderstanding could lead to a rift. Additionally, they feel blessed tremendously as they observe how the bishop counsels with Finn. In turn, the bishop feels helped by the support he receives from Finn\u2019s parents and their observations, discernment, and wisdom concerning their son. In a way, the back-and-forth seems to offer a sort of mutual magnifying influence. As they work together, their relationships, confidence, and trust only grow stronger. Finn, too, feels that both his parents and bishop have \u201cgot his back,\u201d and when any minor bumps are encountered, with support and collaboration all around, they are navigated successfully.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The bishop and parents counsel together, mentor one another, and respectively help mediate bishop\u2013youth and youth\u2013parents relationships. <\/span>United, they help Finn seek out strengthening experiences and ground his repentance striving on a foundation of good activities and virtuous influences (see 1 Thessalonians 5:21<\/a>). Finn feels surrounded and supported <\/span>by Christ\u2019s pure and perfect love at home and at church.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ryan\u2019s Experience: Blessings of Bishop\u2013Youth\u2013Parent Fellowship and Unity in Purpose and Counsel<\/b><\/h3>\n

Ryan is a 16-year-old junior in high school. In Ryan\u2019s case, positive relationships and cooperation all around highlight the potential blessings of a bishop\u2013youth\u2013parents collaboration, united in purpose and counsel.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ryan was recently asked out to a school dance\u2014his first date\u2014by his best friend Megan. At the dance, Megan pulled Ryan into a close embrace, and now Ryan feels guilty about the passions that it stirred within him. Ryan wants to talk with his parents, \"\"<\/picture>and he wonders if he needs to talk to his bishop, too. Ryan is fearful of his small group of friends finding out if he can no longer participate in the sacrament or baptisms at the temple.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ryan\u2019s parents discern his pensive mood, and while working on the car with Ryan, his father asks if everything is alright. After hearing Ryan\u2019s experience, Ryan\u2019s father is confident that parental counsel and support would be enough here, but he senses his son\u2019s anxiousness concerning priesthood and temple privileges and defers to his son\u2019s perceived need for ecclesiastical assurance. Ryan\u2019s mother and father also believe it can be a good opportunity to strengthen Ryan in ecclesiastical relationships. Ryan\u2019s father asks if he can give the bishop just a bit of a heads up, not on the particulars, but on the feelings he\u2019s experiencing and his interaction with his parents thus far. Ryan agrees.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ryan\u2019s parents do become a bit anxious, hoping they and the bishop will be on the same page, but are committed to honoring ecclesiastical roles and fulfilling their covenant role as parents. The bishop, Ryan, and his parents decide to all meet together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In spite of his preparation and this groundwork, when Ryan begins to share his experience, he breaks down crying, overcome with emotion, embarrassment, and the guilt typical of a spiritually zealous, perfectionistic teenager. The bishop and Ryan\u2019s parents comfort Ryan with perspective and reassurance, together with commendation of his spiritual desires and aspirations. Ryan\u2019s parents comment that the feelings Ryan experienced at the dance are understandable. The bishop suggests that he can learn from this experience the importance of avoiding stirring sexual feelings outside marriage. The bishop shares a spiritual impression and counsels Ryan to find a time for his parents and him to be in the temple together and then to all meet together again in a few weeks to talk about their temple experience and how Ryan is feeling then.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ryan is in a blessed position where he is loved and supported by his parents and bishop, who are united in Christlike purpose and ministry. Ryan\u2019s parents maintain respect for the bishop\u2019s ecclesiastical role and stewardship, and the bishop is fully supportive of Ryan\u2019s parents in their covenant family relationships. The bishop and Ryan\u2019s parents counsel together, mentor each other in relating with Ryan, and support one another, mediating their respective bishop\u2013youth and youth\u2013parents relationships as needed. Setting an example of respect for the priesthood authority and keys the bishop holds invites the Spirit\u2019s help to their collaboration and leads all to feel trusting, closer, and united.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The bishop and parents share the opportunity to communicate openly and to invite and encourage Ryan to fully involve each of them. As we discussed in Part 2, there will be scenarios where the bishop and parents might not agree on the best course of action for the youth, or where parental protectiveness could become a barrier to priesthood counsel or correction. Meekness, humility, and submission to the Spirit will be necessary as the bishop and parents mentor one another in working with Ryan and mediate on behalf of positive relationships.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Discussion\u2014Uncovering Blessings in Home-Centered, Church-Supported Ministry<\/b><\/h3>\n

An informal bishop\u2013youth\u2013parents council and collaboration can be an inspired organic development. In each one of the fictional stories we\u2019ve shared in this three-part series, the youth would benefit from a bishop\u2013youth\u2013parents alliance. Ideally, each of these youth would never have to confront discord, disunity, or conflict in any of these vital relationships: parents\u2013youth, bishop\u2013youth, parents\u2013bishop.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet there may be times where youth will triangulate either with their parents or the bishop, testing the bishop\u2019s and parents\u2019 resolve to remain united. Or, one can imagine a situation where parents meeting with the bishop, or all meeting together, find they disagree on a best path forward. That\u2019s when understanding boundaries of stewardship and authority becomes very important, and where it is vital to prayerfully invite the influence of the Spirit, lest a rift develop. Still, this is no different and likely less problematic than where bishops, parents, and youth do not counsel together and differences and disagreements develop through secondhand telephone-game communication with teens caught in the middle and relationships compromised. Unity and commitment can remain strong as bishops, parents, and youth remember the real risk when the Adversary is allowed to drive a wedge anywhere in the bishop-youth-parents system.

Reconciliation is the most beautiful part of the gospel plan.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/div><\/span>We have presented hypotheticals mostly focused on the entry point conditions in bishop\u2013youth\u2013parents relationships. In many instances, relationship strain can develop during<\/i> collaborative engagement, as was considered in Part 2. That potential and experience could lead some bishops, parents, or youth to avoid bishop\u2013youth\u2013parent collaborations<\/a>. Yet it is mistaken to believe that challenges can be sidestepped by relationship avoidance. Strain and tension are still experienced, but relegated to fraught telephone-game dynamics. A turtle approach may seem<\/i> safe, but hiding from problems doesn\u2019t make them magically disappear<\/a>. They can, in fact, fester and become wedge issues.<\/p>\n

The new allowance for parents to accompany their child in ecclesiastical interviews provides comfort, assurance, and protection to youth, parents, and the bishop, as well as to their relationships. In addition, some bishops, parents, and youth may serendipitously discover wonderful, powerful, heretofore untapped opportunities to strengthen and magnify the divinely endowed, covenant parent\u2013child relationship for supporting repentance striving and growth, with peace, hope, and joy through faith in Christ. Some Bishops may feel inspired in these opportunities, possess the confidence, and develop the comfort to pursue them with some families. Potential positive outcomes are imagined below:<\/span><\/p>\n