{"id":21145,"date":"2023-07-19T09:38:10","date_gmt":"2023-07-19T15:38:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/?p=21145"},"modified":"2026-03-02T11:52:08","modified_gmt":"2026-03-02T18:52:08","slug":"fighting-pornography-misogyny-empathy-training","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/fighting-pornography-misogyny-empathy-training\/","title":{"rendered":"Recovering from the Relational Health Crisis of Pornography"},"content":{"rendered":"

We are experiencing a relational health crisis, a crisis of the safe holding of the human heart. Empathy can be a path back to safe holding and a constraint upon our lesser impulses. In this essay, I describe pornography\u2019s toxic scripts and follow with an invitation to empathy that can strengthen the resolve to forsake pornography\u2019s toxicities.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What I will describe is the influence of pornography\u2019s toxic scripts in isolation, excluding the (potential) mitigating and countervailing influence of the user’s resilient innate humanity. Thankfully, pornography does not operate in such a values vacuum, and the dangerous reality of pornographic scripting is not a real-world description of what ensues. A natural pullback from pornography\u2019s toxicity arises for many from the rescuing restraint of our divine nature. Our hardwiring for human connection and compassion is like a relational immune response countering and curtailing the pathogen of pornography. Thankfully, most people have a strong relational immune system and a robust relational immune response that pulls them back and holds them back from the relational and sexual toxicities which pornography scripts and towards which pornography drives. With that reassuring hope of pulling back in mind, we will first examine the inherently toxic nature of pornography and then set forth intervention to strengthen the human empathy that lies at the heart of our relational immune system response.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Pornography is ubiquitous, and the pervasive viewing of pornography is highlighting its <\/span>toxicities<\/span><\/a>. Pornography consumption has increased exponentially in recent years for <\/span>all ages<\/span><\/a> and genders. A nationally representative <\/span>survey<\/span><\/a> of adults in the United States found that one-third (33.5%) of dating men and one-third (33.1%) of married men report weekly or daily pornography use, as well as 13.4% of dating women and 1% of married women. In another <\/span>survey<\/span><\/a>, irrespective of relationship status, 46% of men and 16% of women reported viewing online pornography at least weekly. In attitude, over 70% of men and women report some level of approval for pornography use. Another recent national <\/span>survey<\/span><\/a> showed that three-quarters of teenagers have seen porn by age 17, with the average age of first exposure being 12 years old. This \u201cadult\u201d entertainment industry yields a significant amount of underaged exposure, shaping how youth view sex and how they cultivate future intimate relationships.

Empathy can be a path back to safe holding.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/div><\/span>Embedded in pornography are specific scripts\u2014eroticism<\/i>, objectification<\/i>, promiscuity<\/i>, and misogyny<\/i> (see here<\/a>, here<\/a>, here<\/a>, here<\/a>, and here<\/a>)\u2014for triggering and \u201camping up\u201d autoerotic sexual arousal\u2014\u201csexual soloing<\/a>.\u201d Pornography\u2019s eroticism <\/i>scripts a non-relational sexual arousal template focused entirely on physical gratification without distracting reference or responsiveness to the other as a whole person\u2014pornography invites erotic self-obsession that is merely through<\/i> the body of another. A slide toward an \u201cI-it\u201d (objectifying) instead of \u201cI\u2013Thou\u201d (honoring) relational orientation begins and gains momentum. In modern vernacular, this is sometimes referred to as \u201cothering,\u201d viewing and treating another as intrinsically different, less than, and thus not granted equal status and duty of moral care.<\/p>\n

Pornography\u2019s psychological and relational deterioration of one\u2019s view of others begins with its eroticism script and continues with a closely related second script of <\/span>objectification<\/span><\/i>\u2014narratives and depictions for exploiting the physical body solely as a collection of sexual triggers and stimuli. Continuing its non-holistic and non-relational nature, its denigration of the personhood of the other, pornography also scripts <\/span>promiscuity<\/span><\/i>, an entirely detached, non-committal, serial approach to sexuality, anchoring sexual gratification to novelty and scripting men as sexual marauders and raiders. Pornography never offers any reason to hold back on moving on and on and on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Most persons are perceptively aware of the reality of these first three pornography scripts\u2014<\/span>eroticism<\/span><\/i>, <\/span>objectification<\/span><\/i>, and <\/span>promiscuity<\/span><\/i>. Pornography\u2019s first three scripts for sexual arousal and gratification obsessing upon eroticism, objectification, and promiscuity, hardly demand empirical documentation to be known\u2014they are quite obvious. So now we get to the fourth script embedded in pornography, which is <\/span>misogyny<\/span><\/i>. Perhaps some say, \u201cThe first three scripts are plainly evident in pornography, but you\u2019re saying that pornography scripts for misogyny? How so?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Misogyny, Really?<\/b><\/h3>\n

Misogyny is disrespect, disdain, negativity, contempt, or hostility toward women. No matter the severity of manifestation, misogyny is rightly viewed as corrosive and counter to empathy (toward women)\u2014an essential relationship virtue and wellspring of care and restraint. The psychological and relational deterioration cascading from pornography use to misogyny deserves unpacking. As we consider the psychodynamics of pornography, the connection between pornography and misogyny may become apparent.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Pornography scripting for misogyny seems far-fetched to some. Perhaps they are unaware of the prevalence of depictions of <\/span>aggression, abuse, and violence<\/span><\/a> in popular pornography. Content analysis of best-selling pornography videos found high levels of both physical (88.2%) and verbal (48.7%) aggression, with males almost always portrayed as the perpetrators of aggression and females overwhelmingly the targets of aggression. Further desensitization and, unbelievably, even normalization of such misogynistic behavior comes as women are depicted as responding neutrally or with pleasure to such degrading and abusive behavior. Who can doubt that depicting the denigration of women in a framework of reinforcing male sexual gratification and female acceptance foments and confirms misogyny?<\/span><\/p>\n

One need look no further than stereotypical \u201cfrat-boy\u201d and \u201clocker-room\u201d talk or high-profile public figures\u2019 sexual exploitations and contemptuous talk and behavior for anecdotal and observational confirmation of misogynistic creep. Past unwelcome exposure to so-called \u201clocker-room talk\u201d of young adult males offered putrid awareness of how some men view and exploit women as mere sexual \u201ctools\u201d for their own gratification. Further, outright misogyny was evident as they described sexually \u201cusing\u201d women (exploitation) and taking satisfaction in emotionally damaging (abusing) the women they were involved with. Does anyone believe that partner consent can qualitatively transform such sexual experiences into a condition of psychological and relational wholeness? Can we see the misogyny in it? Pornography\u2019s scripts fuel such degrading attitudes, marauding sexuality, and misogyny.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pornography scripts for sexual \u201ctaking.\u201d As happens in every sexual interaction where \u201cmy gratification,\u201d rather than our \u201cshared satisfaction\u201d and \u201cour relationship\u201d is the focus, removing the other person\u2019s needs, wants, and desires from the relationship and sexual frame of reference turns a couple into two solipsistic individuals taking what they want. The word <\/span>self<\/span><\/i>-ish doesn\u2019t even really apply because \u201cself\u201d implies an \u201cother,\u201d and the solipsistic are \u201cother-oblivious.\u201d The universe may exist apart from them, but it exists just for them. The other isn\u2019t removed from the equation; they were never entered into the equation.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This is non-relational sexual taking, each person taking what they want from the other with minimal regard to the other, and there is a real consequence and pain to all involved in it. Making others objects for sexual gratification\u2014even with such mutual consent that the world supposes\u2014can change the contours of the human psyche and our divine nature. While it is increasingly relationally, socially, and legally accepted\u2014\u201cas long as there is consent\u201d\u2014sexual taking is nonetheless relationally reprehensible. Further, the mindset of sexual taking scripted by pornography, if left unchecked, easily degrades to much worse. Yet sexual taking without concern or consequence is exactly what pornography sells.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some will note, however, that a smaller percentage of persons report viewing explicit pornographic scripting of misogynistic (exploitive, degrading, abusive, violent, non-consensual) depictions. Consequently, setting aside these extremes that so-called \u201csoft-core porn\u201d may put in the background or leave out, some speciously reason that soft-core pornography elevates women (their physical beauty, sexual attractiveness, and inherent appeal) in the eyes of its viewers. We will use attachment principles to show that such is not the case, that pornography is ubiquitously corrosive to male\u2013female relations and inherently misogynistic, no matter the type of pornography.\u00a0 Understanding attachment dynamics that support sexual wholeness<\/a> helps us to see that pornography is anti-attachment, inherently scripting male attitudes of disrespect, disdain, negativity, contempt, or hostility toward women through porn’s erotic objectification and exploitative promiscuity. For some, porn can condition sexual arousal to misogynistically tinged depictions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The viewing of pornography inculcates scripts of objectification and exploitation of another human being for one’s own sexual gratification. Fantasizing, or worse, enacting such scripts\u2014such as those young adult males in the locker room were boasting of\u2014is inherently offensive to our humanity (until we deaden our senses). Our inborn attachment behavioral system and caregiving behavioral system are simply not wired for such interpersonally corrosive and exploitative transactions. We are <\/span>naturally wired for sympathetic<\/span><\/a> and empathetic connection and responsiveness. \u201cThough our culture may tell us otherwise, we are not designed for self-actualized, pleasure-seeking autonomy. We are deeply relational beings, <\/span>designed \u2026 for \u2026 connection<\/span><\/a>.\u201d Coming to the same conclusion from a spiritual framework, <\/span>Jeffrey R. Holland<\/span><\/a> similarly affirms that \u201chuman intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, \u2026 is\u2014or certainly was ordained to be\u2014a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Consequently, fantasizing or enacting pornography\u2019s exploitative, transactional view of the other and of sex cannot help but lead to psychological dissonance\u2014negative feelings about one\u2019s behavior and oneself for engaging in it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The mind has to do something about the dissonance\u2014either change the offending behavior or get rid of the feelings. That is where psychological projection and misogyny enter. The next step in the cascade is the psychological projection of the pain of the spiritual\u2013moral dissonance that threatens one\u2019s self-concept and sense of well-being. By faulty but commonplace psychological projection\u2014a defense mechanism\u2014painful yet properly inward-aimed feelings of moral dissonance, repugnance, and disgust get projected outward. Psychological projection is a process not amenable to rational explanation but nonetheless commonly understood and readily recognized\u2014it\u2019s the stubbing of one\u2019s toe on the door and then slamming the door in anger as though it were at fault. Irrational projection is blaming women for how badly one feels (spiritual\u2013moral dissonance) and how badly one fares in relationships with them in consequence of one\u2019s own pornography use and assimilation of its associated attitudes and scripts. Psychological projection fuels misogyny.<\/span><\/p>\n

In turn, in time, this becomes an entrapment. For one cannot help but surmise and predict that such attitudes will be corrosive to actual male\u2013female interactions and produce distancing, alienation, and rejection in the relationships of men and women. One’s own spiritual\u2013moral dissonance is now paired with relational rejection, and together they <\/span>amp up the resort to pornography and amplify misogyny. Sexual intimacy, not sexual taking, is the better representation of human individual and relationship ideals.<\/span><\/p>\n

A Way Out\u2014Empathy Training\u00a0<\/b><\/h3>\n

One might surrender pornography use and then gradually re-trend toward healthy human transactions. Being innate to our being, our humanity and our attachment are durable and resilient in that way. A converse approach, one often deployed with offenders, is to begin with empathy training. The anticipation is that the development of real human empathy will naturally produce a sensitivity that ultimately strengthens resistance to and shunning of pornography, its toxic scripts now being plainly revealed. \u201cOur \u2026 [moral] agency endows us with the responsibility and privilege of becoming beings who can experience the <\/span>deepest forms of [human] connection<\/span><\/a>.\u201d The potential for intense joy or searing pain in our most intimate sharing of ourselves and receiving of the other is tremendous.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Empathy can be, indeed is designed to be a natural metric of our relationship behavior and a check on our self-, other-, and relationship-destructive passions and exploitations. Empathy can be the beginning of a path of healing and helping. Empathy doesn\u2019t automatically lead to caring behavior; one still must choose to <\/span>act <\/span><\/i>on empathy. Empathy, and then importantly, disciplining ourselves to be bridled by empathy, is what allows us to safely hold the heart and soul of another human; we become vessels of safe holding\u2014fully and completely trustworthy.

Sexual intimacy, not sexual taking.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/div><\/span>Our conduct in relationships is undoubtedly (or ought to be) deeply informed by our \u201cempathic resonance\u201d with the experience of the other person. We intuitively grasp this truth. Empathy is both a compass in our relationships and a push to self-restraint\/self-mastery. We guide our relationships by asking, \u201cHow will my words and my behavior affect this person I care about?\u201d and \u201cHow would I feel if \u2026?\u201d (The Golden Rule is such a simple, straightforward, powerful tool). Empathy is a wellspring of relationship success.<\/p>\n

Human empathy is developed and deepened as individuals seek and achieve (a) a deeply held view and felt experience of the humanity of every person, (b) an ability to emotionally and cognitively place oneself within the lived experience of the other, and (c) sensitivity and responsiveness to both of these (their humanity and lived experience).<\/span><\/p>\n

Nurturing human empathy is likely a significant, if not the foundational component of all manner of behavioral rehabilitation in relationships (including communication, anger management, relational aggression, pornography use, and, in incarceration settings, <\/span>sex offender treatment<\/span><\/a>). Empathy development can likely be helped by \u201ctraining,\u201d such as in treatment settings, but empathy must ultimately be understood as a virtue to be pursued holistically through spiritual, emotional, cognitive, and relational work. People can be helped in learning to <\/span>listen, connect, care, and respond<\/span><\/a>. Fully formed empathy is a cognitive, emotional, relational, and spiritual <\/span>connection<\/span><\/i> that can support self-restraint and self-constraint, including sparking and sustaining motivation for overcoming pornography use\u2014for the sake of everyone harmed by it, from the supply chain to the end user, spouse, and family.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2013Thou<\/i><\/b>, Abandoning <\/b>I\u2013it<\/i><\/b><\/h3>\n

In a broader sense, empathy training is about initiating and expanding our capacity to truly and fully <\/span>see<\/span><\/i> one another, the whole human person, in every transaction. Philosopher <\/span>Martin Buber<\/span><\/a> referred to this as a fundamental \u201cI\u2013Thou\u201d humanistic orientation, abandoning the core, corrosive \u201cI\u2013it\u201d view of the other rendered in pornographic depictions and narratives. \u201cI\u2013Thou\u201d is relational humanitarianism, living and acting for the welfare of all beings. In contrast, \u201cI\u2013it\u201d is relational solipsism, living and acting as if nothing but the self exists or matters.<\/span><\/p>\n

While the sexual drive is powerful and easily perverted into exploitative pornographic forms\u2014co-opting the sexual arousal template toward solipsistic use\u2014our innate humanity represented in our attachment and caregiving instincts and behavior pull us back from the solipsistic brink and rescue us for the experience of relational wholeness. Our relational drive for connection is an ever-present pushback against pornography’s scripts for sexual misuse.\u00a0 From a developmental perspective, sexual drive comes on fast and furious, and we perhaps cannot anticipate complete avoidance of pornography\u2019s toxic socialization, especially in a sexually saturated society. We can, however, persistently and stubbornly promote empathy and affirm our own and others’ humanity through “I\u2013Thou\u201d respect and honor. In all our relationships, we can reach for relational wholeness and celebrate the joy of whole-being relationships.\u00a0 With wife or husband, we can add to relational wholeness, sexual wholeness.\u00a0 We can persistently and stubbornly redeem our desires and our relationship through attachment caregiving and Christian virtue.\u00a0 Empathy can<\/em> help us “take back sex” for the ultimate and intimate relational experience it is so beautifully and powerfully designed to be.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Pornography is toxic to relational and sexual health. Recovering from the relational health crisis of pornography involves forsaking pornography and its toxic scripts, regaining and deepening our intimate empathy, and learning and committing to safely hold one another.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":59,"featured_media":21146,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[484],"tags":[1311,723,45,80,728],"coauthors":[310],"class_list":["post-21145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-abuse","tag-discrimination","tag-gender","tag-pornography","tag-sex","tag-sexuality"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nEmpathy Training: Combatting Pornography\u2019s Misogyny<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Explore the transformative power of empathy training against the societal harm of pornography. Understand its impact on individuals and relationships.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/fighting-pornography-misogyny-empathy-training\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Empathy Training: Combatting Pornography\u2019s Misogyny\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Explore the transformative power of empathy training against the societal harm of pornography. 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