{"id":15975,"date":"2022-08-31T11:02:51","date_gmt":"2022-08-31T17:02:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/?p=15975"},"modified":"2023-08-09T17:20:33","modified_gmt":"2023-08-09T23:20:33","slug":"one-overlooked-reason-sexual-abuse-continues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/one-overlooked-reason-sexual-abuse-continues\/","title":{"rendered":"One Overlooked Reason Sexual Abuse Continues"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a young child, I would often feel warm and happy singing with everyone else in church. But when I sang lines like \u201cwith parents kind and dear\u201d and \u201cThere is beauty all around when there\u2019s love at home,\u201d something felt confusing and heavy in my heart. Singing those words didn\u2019t feel the same because of what was happening at home.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I am a survivor of many years of childhood sexual abuse. When something despicable happens to <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">any<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> child, it\u2019s beyond confusing; it exceeds what a child is capable of comprehending. What I experienced was so traumatizing my mind blocked the most horrific abuses from memory. It was only years later, working with trained trauma specialists, that the extent of abuses became clearer, and I began to explore the cause of frequent night terrors, which prompted new questions regarding once vague childhood memories. I was not prepared for what I learned. For over a decade\u2014not just the few times suspected\u2014I suffered many sexual traumas and other abuses from people both inside my family and in the area where we lived. Yet except for those involved, no one\u2014not even my parents\u2014were aware of all that was taking place.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The discrepancy between how my family presented themselves at church and what was actually happening at home was dramatic. I remember receiving an award with my siblings for being the most well-behaved and reverent children in Primary. But I <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">knew<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I hadn\u2019t been sitting quietly because I was \u201cthinking of Father above.\u201d Instead, I was just doing my best to hold still to avoid a knuckle rap to the head for wiggling.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I was disciplined, it was rare for Dad to question accusations against me; punishments were often swift and painful, yet I was nearly always innocent. When I did err, it was due to normal developmental learning mistakes. I was never purposefully disobedient; I wanted to be good, but I feared his anger if I was not. \u201cDo what you are told\u201d (with an implied \u201cOr Else!\u201d) was drilled into my head so well that when a teen from down the street warned, \u201cNow, don\u2019t tell anyone, or you know <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">you<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> will be punished like before,\u201d I froze in fear. I believed him.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How could our family present so well at church while so many dark secrets remained hidden? Why is it that there can be such a sharp discrepancy between public and private behavior, leading those around to miss what\u2019s actually going on in individual homes?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Part of that painful question can only be answered in the hearts of perpetrators, many of whom have likewise endured traumas. I\u2019m confident another part can be answered by improving system limitations\u2014the focus of much public discussion these days. But there\u2019s another significant answer to the question that we\u2019re <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">not<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> saying much about right now, that is critical to explain and perhaps better understand why abuses continued so long in my family and in so many others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Namely: it is extraordinarily difficult for others to know when sexual abuse is happening. I know\u2014because even when surrounded by kind members of the Church, they did not\u2014and in many cases, simply could not\u2014know about what I was experiencing at home. While some occasionally picked up on my dad\u2019s anger issues, that was it! Unlike physical abuse, sexual abuse doesn\u2019t leave any identifiable markings on the body that might alert others. And considering the tendency of many believers to assume the best and focus on the positive, religious communities haven\u2019t always had enough awareness regarding these painful possibilities (and realities). Because of this, it doesn\u2019t surprise me that leaders and members who interact with victims perhaps only once or twice a week are sadly so likely to miss the signs that <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">do<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> exist.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We can all do a better job keeping our eyes open for them. In addition to parental anger issues, those signs include children who are extremely well-behaved or who exhibit high anxiety or depression, avoiding eye contact, poor social skills, and flinching when adults come too close. Incontinence issues and frequent UTIs at a young age are also signs. Evidence of bullying that goes beyond normal sibling arguments and inappropriate remarks or jokes about developing bodies within families should also be taken seriously.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">These and other clues were evident in my family, but they were missed. That is heartbreaking, but it\u2019s a painful reality for many families who experience ongoing abuse\u2014including perhaps the recent case of the girls in Arizona. The more I read about it, lack of awareness seems central to what actually took place there\u2014especially <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/ten-ways-ap-abuse-misrepresented-evidence\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">when you examine<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> the court documents. And yet the difficulty of seeing these signs did not show up in the extensive report appearing about the case. Not once did I read or hear it mentioned how easy it can be to miss clues that sexual abuse is happening in a home.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And as a friend recently pointed out to me: \u201cthis difficulty is common knowledge among those studying abuse, with <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.d2l.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/all_statistics_20150619.pdf\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">reviews of available statistics<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> confirming that the \u201cvast majority of child sexual abuse incidents are never reported to authorities.\u201d As one research team <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/bmcinthealthhumrights.biomedcentral.com\/articles\/10.1186\/s12914-016-0110-2\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">recently noted<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, since child sexual abuse is \u201chighly stigmatized, and blame can be placed on the victim, rather than the perpetrator,\u201d there is a risk without \u201cadequate safeguards\u201d that \u201cdisclosure can potentially put participants at risk of retaliation, social exclusion and without access to their basic needs, if the perpetrator is someone they are dependent upon.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I know many have welcomed recent reports on the subject as something that can help us move forward in improving our current accountability system. But even with my own similar experiences, I can\u2019t help but feel the opposite is actually true. I worry that the way reporting and commentaries are unfolding, they are far more likely to set us back.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why? Because abuse situations of any kind\u2014especially sexual abuse cases\u2014<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">require<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> great sensitivity and discernment\u2014all of which become more difficult in an atmosphere of fear and anger. That kind of charged public conversation can drive any of us to oversimplified conclusions without sufficient attention and consideration of the many factors involved. Because circumstances <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">are<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> so unique and individual, we need <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">more<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> wisdom and discernment\u2014<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">not<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> swift reactions to establish more blanket rules.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m in my 60s, and I still fear exposing painful family secrets, but I feel compelled to offer my perspective because of the specific and narrow conclusions being reached in this important conversation today. I believe vulnerable children would be better protected if we recognized the complexity of sexual abuse situations and the great variability of each and <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">every<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> case.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Without that kind of wisdom and discernment, we may too easily fall into imbalanced tendencies with heart-rending outcomes. For instance, I\u2019ve observed extreme overreactions to curious children engaged in one-time sexual experimentation\u2014which prompted immediate reporting to authorities, and one of the children was labeled \u201ca child molester\u201d until reaching adulthood. While what happened was obviously wrong, I believe this could have been handled in a more sensitive and compassionate manner. In the opposite direction, one of my abusers made a limited disclosure regarding the actions of a sexually abusive babysitter that were<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> not <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">taken seriously enough. As a result, this person acted out on me the traumas he experienced and then continued to sexually assault me for many years.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is possible to overdo reaction and accountability, just as we can tragically underdo it. And in especially complex situations, such as the Arizona case, we need to encourage and support those tasked with the very difficult decisions of navigating what to do and how to help\u2014not weigh them down with heavy accusations.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">With all the acclaim a particular AP journalist has received, I don\u2019t believe he\u2019s aware of the damage he is causing. Rather than invite greater sensitivity and attention to the difficult task of supporting families, his words have unleashed a kind of lynch-mob mentality against the Church as a whole, connected directly to the misrepresented story he tells about what happened.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Maybe the greatest negative consequence that could emerge from this kind of accusing public discourse on abuse would be to push away those suffering the effects of child sexual abuse from the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">one <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">ultimate and true source of healing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although healing can be agonizingly long, I know it is possible. After many sacred and miraculous experiences, I recognized that the Lord has been in the many details of my healing journey\u2014leading me along the way, as I was ready, to those who could help me take the next right step. To others walking similarly long paths, no matter what has taken place or how painful the experiences you\u2019ve passed through, please keep going\u2014please keep trying! The Lord can likewise help you find the healing you so desperately seek.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On a particularly challenging day, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I recorded in my journal: \u201cHeavenly Father, How do those sinned against learn to feel again, to trust again, to have corrupted experiences of sacred things be healed \u2026?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Soon after, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.churchofjesuschrist.org\/study\/general-conference\/2022\/04\/24kearon?lang=eng\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Elder Patrick Kearon spoke<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> directly to my heart in answer to my heartache<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2014<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">attesting that the Lord Himself \u201chas suffered the very torment you are suffering and endured the very agony you are enduring\u201d so as to \u201cgive you the power to not only survive but one day, through Him, to overcome and even conquer\u2014to completely rise above the pain, the misery, the anguish, and see them replaced by peace.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Long before I began trauma work, I found much peace working with ecclesiastical leaders who eventually taught me <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">how<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to come unto Christ for help and healing. My parents gave me a most cherished gift when they became members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when I was a toddler. As I learned of the plan of redemption and progressed on the covenant path, I gained hope for myself and my family. Engaging in sacred gospel practices empowered me to overcome great affliction, blessing my family beyond measure. The abuse stopped with me!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The traumas I suffered are <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">not<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> excusable, but they are somewhat understandable<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2014<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">considering past generational abuse issues. Because of church involvement, members of my family are also healing; through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we are experiencing greater peace and happiness.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As complex and difficult as healing has been for me, it\u2019s exceedingly hard for some to imagine it ever happening for them. How do we help those experiencing ongoing trauma or the memory of it? Exactly how does healing come to pass for those experiencing something so awful they block it out, do not have the courage to break the silence, or fear disclosure, yet no one sees the signs? There are no easy or quick-fix answers.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If we\u2019re serious about helping more of the wounded find answers to such questions<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2014<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">along with protecting the most vulnerable among us from suffering anything like I and the girls in Arizona suffered<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2014<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">we need to ensure that the conversation brings our hearts and minds together.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That\u2019s not what\u2019s happening around us right now, but let\u2019s not give up; we must keep trying!\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I believe we can still come together with greater wisdom and love and make progress.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sexual abuse kept happening to me because it\u2019s incredibly hard to notice the signs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":189,"featured_media":15978,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[484],"tags":[21,242,1238,128],"coauthors":[966],"class_list":["post-15975","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-abuse","tag-children","tag-family","tag-sexual-assault","tag-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>One Overlooked Reason Sexual Abuse Continues - Public Square Magazine<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sexual abuse kept happening to me because it\u2019s incredibly hard to notice the signs.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/one-overlooked-reason-sexual-abuse-continues\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"One Overlooked Reason Sexual Abuse Continues - Public Square Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Sexual abuse kept happening to me because it\u2019s incredibly hard to notice the signs.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/sexuality-family\/sexual-abuse\/one-overlooked-reason-sexual-abuse-continues\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Public Square Magazine\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-08-31T17:02:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-08-09T23:20:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/publicsquaremag.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/813mwfoBJdL._AC_SY741_-2.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Diana L. 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